Threads of Trust

My body heavy, sinks into the bed. I am tired. There is a strong wind outside, and my hands are buzzing. My eyelids weigh me down. I no longer feel the zeal to write I did a few seconds ago, and I continue.

A thirst drives me onwards. A thirst to taste the truth, in my mouth, like a long lasting sweetness. A candy that no matter how long you suck, it does not disappear!

I am affected by the Reggie Ray workshop and the body and the Corwin. I am affected by the Selena. By the directing coming into contact with sharing myself. It is still too much to share myself so completely with people I do not know. Is this `bad`? This is where I am. I noticed in the workshop how very much my own heart is closed down. How much of a lack of feeling there is there. A numbness. I connected very much with my lower tan tien though… a swirling black cosmos!


Reggie instructed us to imagine a curtain in our lower belly, and when he said go, we snapped open the curtain and dove inside! My curtain opened to an infinite, endless cosmos, a starry sky, and my hand immediately reached INTO the image to try and reach through. It was really quite thrilling. Quite thrilling to imagine that that infinite nature is in ME!!!!

To say the things that are hard to say. To feel my edges! Oh! The edges of relating intimately with those I do not know or have just met. The edges of touch. It is about trust. My body is beginning to deeply trust C. Is the baseline a sense of bodily distrust? Where did this come from and how is it connected to the trauma vortex? We are all so traumatized. To validate that feels so healing.

I am a rambling, tired mess. I do not want to be anything great, just to carry a satisfied heart beating in my chest. I want to feel my heart and connect with her, more.

There has been a spider in my room for the past few days. I have done nothing about it. And I have watched it move around the walls. Right now I do not know where it is. In the past this might have terrified me and prevented me from going to sleep. Now, I am pretty okay with it.

I am in two healthy relationships at this time in my life. It is really quite something. It is revolutionary, the way I organize my intimate relationships has never been `normal` or fitten to the mainstream. Fitten kitten, bitten by a savage.

Felt a deep sharp pain in the back of my heart today in certain moments. This back of the heart, more shadowy, deep primary veil. Primordial space. We come from emptiness and we return to emptiness. There are empty portals in our own body that lead us to our true nature. This is the essence I have gleaned of these teachings (RR).