Nighttime Wanderings

There will come a time when none of this will matter except listening to yourself, intently. Listening to the sage inside. The fully integrated sage. The human sage, the body sage, the spirit sage. It is all the same, unified together by the strength of ones own surrender. There is something pouring out of me now and I do not know. I do not think I just write. 

The silence envelops me the way I imagine sex must feel like for a man. Being enveloped by a quiet darkness that screams sometimes, sometimes it screams of meaning, of purpose, of destiny? of spirit? 

My spine straightens and cracks. I settle into Her. I settle into the seat of my consciousness. My yoni is the spiral seat of my spirit. She is the base of me. she is me, she is the essence, and she pulses. She hurts. She aches, for listening, for longing to belong inside, in her I am here. 

Can I sit still? 

Can I remain here? 

In this dark,wet place? 

I am constantly wiping things away from my forehead that do not belong there, and they are heavy. 

I am writing emails in a moments notice. 

I am wondering how many other women have complicated relationships with their vaginas, yoni why are you so fragile and injured? What is your story? And how can we speak it together? 

She is so fragile? Like a flower? Gentle but sturdy... 

Do I fear her gentleness? 

It is the seat of my power, my yoni. 

Your relationship to your vagina is EVERYTHING. 

And it is SO MULTIDIMENSIONAL. 

To live in the body, is to live in a relaxed way! 

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Sometimes I do not want music playing and I want to stay up late into the night being a crazy person, making illogical decisions and riding the edge. 

What edge? 

What silly edge do I ride and continuously float above? 

What is the craziness of my body and S reading to me from her poetry book so beautiful… my hips, my neck, my spine

Sometimes I just want to see what would happen. 

I dont like listening to rules. 

I like to break rules. and be adventurous. 

Is there a way to feed this adventurous spirit and not be self-destructive? 

Important question. 

Is the adventurous spirit an inherent fire found within the youth? Is it a yearning for a rites of passage adventure, a deep soul wrenching adventure? What of the uninitiated youth? There is a thirst, a longing for an adventure of the inward kind. 

Text messages sent to JZ: 

`In a way, this is reality, and it is something we must accept if we are to live here fully and without anxiety or fear. 

But we are really not of this world are we? I mean both are true. I made of the Earth. And I am also made of the stars, indescribable, sacred slippery things.`

I feel like my professors at Naropa have inspired me to begin asking questions again…they have taught me how to ask questions, asking in a way in which you do not need to know the answer, curiouser and curiouser… things become…

The opening and contracting of the heart! OH like a lotus flower! 

a sweet lotus flower, blooming blossom by day, and then contracting by night… Oh osho! oh what do people say about the contraction of the heart? I have heard Melissa talk about it… and John too a bit… that after an expansion there is a natural contraction, is this the eternal dance of life? or is there an everlasting expansion? A destiny stretching out above the horizon… 

Why is the contraction so uncomfortable? unwanted? 

The sage energy and the student energy. Very similar. 

True sages are student, we are students of the Goddess, of Her, of the mysterious force that underlies it all, the Silence, Jesus Christ, all of these things… the same thing. All pointing to the same tree, the same road, the same mountain. 

All things a reflection. 

All things a mirror.
A mirror of the Self. 

When I look inside myself what do I find?

Slippery, sacred, shiny things. 

A multitude of things, 

A rich deep complexion 

of multi textured thoughts and images and feelings 

all swirling and spiraling and dancing 

what a wilderness it is here 

in the center of myself 

is this chaos?

is this the rhythm of my insides?

the way my cells are moving and organizing 

Chaos. 

S told me recently about making a chaos altar. Absolutely brilliant, perfect, completely tapped in to the magic of the inner, unseen. I love her. 

I am feeling the inner writer, the inner being. 

The wise student awakens …