~ Exploring Seeing & Being Seen ~

Who am I when others are watching? 

witnessing, me? 

What is this sacred, silent place I can find in my room alone with a candle and the beating of my own heart? So comfortable and tender…

Where does this go when I am in the presence of others? This terrifying, body trembling fear of being seen, of having someone really see into me… all of me, not just the image I try to project. I am so afraid of being seen, being felt by others that I build this illusionary wall, thinking it will protect me. I manufacture and manage so many different images of myself that I share with the world. These images are painful and exhausting… they keep me from true connection with other beings. They keep me stuck in the sickness of separation. They block the flow of Spirit essence through me. I become frozen, tight, bound up in a small ball of tension. My cells unable to breathe. My body stiff and rigid, always on edge, waiting for the moment when someone with sharp enough vision will see through one of my images and all will come crashing down around me.

I acknowledge that I do not always feel empowered and comfortable in my own movement. I acknowledge that I will sometimes sacrifice my truth for the perceived approval of others. 

I connect with my truth sitting in my room looking out my window at the moon and its light. I connect with my truth sitting by myself at the base of a tree, breathing, moving, allowing sounds to come through my mouth and mix with the mountain air… sounds of sweet release and transformation. I feel a deep need, a yearning to feel seen, to feel acknowledged by the community. I sit with a friend and wish I would allow him to really see me. I sit with myself and give myself permission to give up all the presentation and deception. I invite my hips to release all that they are holding. I feel them opening, surrendering, responding. I feel my whole body responding to the loving attention I give it. 

I am learning to embody my truth, in every moment, in every movement, giving up the false images and dropping in to the raw expression of my present moment experience. I am terrified, but I am willing to share my beating heart with the world. 

This is me. 

I offer you my process, my presence, the dance of my Spirit. 

When I allow for this opening to occur

I enable the little girl trapped in fear inside of me to express whatever it is she needs to express  

>>>>>><<<<<<

we are practicing t'ai chi together 

i stop moving and just watch him 

he invites me to witness him 

i listen to the silent music 

his movement makes

the strange silent music 

the language of the body 

witnessing him 

is so intimate 

i feel he is baring his soul, 

his fearless truth to me

i accept his offering so humbly

beautifully tears 

streaming down my cheeks 

at the beauty 

of his offering 

he finishes, 

i ask him to witness me 

i feel fear 

at the tip of my awareness 

as i ask to be witnessed 

i start to move

dropping in 

i commit to fully showing up

to fully being in my body 

to expose and share and reveal 

my raw beating heart 

i feel intense energy 

Life force 

flowing through me

qi 

pulsing my field 

my movement connecting heaven and earth 

my eyelids fluttering uncontrollably 

like jumping in icy water 

living in the edge of aliveness 

a sad smile arises out of my core 

a deep warmth, a gratitude 

filled with the joy of life 

the smile of inner knowing 

the fearless warriors heart

An ocean of Love,

Grace