i will walk home alone

i will walk home alone

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because there is a path only i can walk and i do not think you will be able to follow me or can i follow myself or what will happen when my heart doesn't hurt or my chest bursts into flames my arms are flame lickers and sometimes i feel like my hips contribute and sometimes i tremble when a dog barks at me in fear is this what i do to things that intimidate me? do i start making loud noises hoping they will go away ? i cannot hear you because my ear is not turned towards the sky i do not feel you because these clothes i wear are worn and i am consumed in them consumed in thought consumed in a way that only i can feel the ancient tugging at my fingertips delving me deeper into the page into myself into a cave a womb space where i make decisions and you wonder and i make and i dont miss you and i do because there is denial in my stomach and a pressing and a rising and a wondering and i cannot but can stop to pause and ask 

why the swan? 

why the black? 

who is this mysterious figure of my dream space where the car does not work and i go backwards and my instincts are sharp? 

reeling around i see you in the turn about 

and i gag

i cough i vomit you out of my body 

how long have you been in there 

in my body

swirling around in my dna and in my blood 

have long have you been there 

dancing around the inner sphere of my crown asking 

seeking 

PANTING 

I FUCKING DO NOT KNOW 

I FUCKING CRAVE A DAMN FUCKING FREEDOM WILD INTENSE FEEELING OF JOY AND I HATE YOU 

WHY DO I HATE YOU 

WHY DO YOU TRY TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME 

WHY CANNOT I STAND UP FOR MY SELF THIS BODY WHY DO I BOW BEFORE YOU LIKE A SERVANT KNEES TREMBLING SECRETLY HATING YOU AND HOW YOU RUN AWAY 

i will not run away 

i will learn to be with myself through anything 

be my own best friend 

this is how i will WANDER into the nights of my psyche and come through