Beginning to Cultivate the Art of Relationship
I am learning the difference between infatuation and love. I am learning to discern between what Google defines as `an intense but short-lived passion or admiration` and a more grounded, long-term compassionate affection.
Infatuation feels intense to me. It also feels ungrounded and kind of blinding. Like I am so invested in putting someone or something on a pedestal that I cannot see the humanness that is undoubtedly there. The flaws. The mistakes. The messiness. When I am in a state of infatuation it is usually accompanied with tickly thoughts about how wonderful and perfect and flawless this person is. It can actually feel vaguely obsessive. This blindness to the darkness or human reality has its consequences though because every person or thing I have experienced infatuation for has always, always, ALWAYS come crashing down from the pedestal I have so carelessly placed them on. Phew. And that crashing down has also been very intense and upsetting for everyone involved.
I am cultivating the art of relationship. I am beginning to ask questions like, how to create an intimacy that feeds me and the other person? How to create a relationship that meets my needs as well as the other involved? What does a relationship look like that is healing for me, for the other person? A relationship that is healing for all beings? A relationship that has the potential to set a new frequency for the whole. What does this relationship look like, smell like, taste like, move like, sound like ??? !!!!!!!!
This is so exciting to me. I am a relational being. I learn so much from being in relationship with others, whether that is through a sexual connection or intimate friendship. I feel that the definitions of INTIMACY are changing, and as we open our hearts to the people around us, we are beginning to treat each other with more care, more touch, and more compassion than ever before. This can definitely be confusing as we are so used to the definitions and boundaries associated with each role that people play in our lives... We have been living with a set of rules that say `I interact with a friend in this way, and I interact with a lover in this other way`. These rules are changing, and the lines are blurring. For example, the other night I crawled into one of my best sister friends rooms and we cuddled for hours, laughing, crying, and researching things on the internet!!! Haha!!!! It was so fun and nourishing, and it met a deep need for intimacy in both of us.
Someone recently shared with me in a vulnerable whisper-like tone, `I feel a deep desire to be close to everyone around me`. This yearning for connection and closeness is an integral part of being a human. We are a tribal species, and we thrive in community. I feel that the need for connection is a basic human need.
My need for connection is no longer directed solely at the person I am choosing to share sexual space with at this time. I am realizing that this need can get met in unique ways by the hug of a housemate, the tenderness of a sisterly connection. By cultivating a healthy balanced way of getting my needs met, I no longer put all of this expectation and pressure on my sexual partner to be EVERYTHING to me. That is impossible, it is an illusion, and it a recipe for CO-DEPENDENCE. I do not feel that one person can possibly meet all of my needs all the time, but alas, that is what I have been taught by modern Western relationship culture, and I have suffered because I have chosen to believe it.
In a recent conversation about cultivating the art of relationship, I heard myself say `I dream of a relationship that supports and nourishes the community.` I feel a deep impulse in me for whatever kind of partnership I am choosing to create to serve the greater whole in some way.
In a body of work called Gene Keys, which are a set of archetypal teachings rooted in the 64 hexagrams of the I-Ching and the 64 codons of our DNA, it discusses dysfunctional relationships when describing the shadow aspect of the 44th Gene Key. It says, `The real reason for such relationships is that they are clearing houses for ancestral memory. Interference patterns that are transferred through your DNA must be resolved in order for a fractal to be cleaned... Couples or partners who are actively involved in clearing out this collective genetic dysfunction are the pioneers of a coming new age.` My heart beats more strongly as I see the potential for putting an end to unhealthy ways of relating that have been looping, looping, looping in our collective human psyche. No more obligation. No more decisions made out of fear. No more dysfunction, screaming, projecting, victimizing, demonizing, avoiding. I say yes to doing the dirty work and owning my shadows vulnerably. I feel that we have incredible opportunity to write a new story when it comes to how we are choosing to relate with our loved ones, our friends right now. Are we trying to change them? Are we grasping at them to give us love? Are we using relationship to avoid being with ourselves?
And it is OKAY if we are doing so or we catch ourselves doing so! Gently allowing ourselves to see what is happening without self-criticism or self-punishment. It is okay, and I choose a new path. I want to learn to relate to you from the very core of myself. I want to come to you with a glass full of my own self-love. What IS a functional relationship? This is what I am beginning to explore, and I am so grateful for all of the experiences I have had that have not been very healthy or loving. I would not be able to begin to ask this question if I did not have those necessary experiences.
So, I am redefining intimacy, and I am reimagining relationship. I am stepping out of infatuation, and I am choosing to see, honor, and cherish the flaws of others... And at the same time, I am recognizing this process in myself. I am beginning to deeply love and smile to my own wounds and dark places.
I see relationships that are empowered, magical, communicative, trusting, and supportive. I see relationships that nurture and feed those involved. I see relationships that are devoted to a practice of self-awareness and self-responsibility. Grounded in the tending to ones self, we reach out and begin to tend to what we are creating together.
~ Blessed Be ~
An Ocean of Love,
Grace
Infatuation feels intense to me. It also feels ungrounded and kind of blinding. Like I am so invested in putting someone or something on a pedestal that I cannot see the humanness that is undoubtedly there. The flaws. The mistakes. The messiness. When I am in a state of infatuation it is usually accompanied with tickly thoughts about how wonderful and perfect and flawless this person is. It can actually feel vaguely obsessive. This blindness to the darkness or human reality has its consequences though because every person or thing I have experienced infatuation for has always, always, ALWAYS come crashing down from the pedestal I have so carelessly placed them on. Phew. And that crashing down has also been very intense and upsetting for everyone involved.
I am cultivating the art of relationship. I am beginning to ask questions like, how to create an intimacy that feeds me and the other person? How to create a relationship that meets my needs as well as the other involved? What does a relationship look like that is healing for me, for the other person? A relationship that is healing for all beings? A relationship that has the potential to set a new frequency for the whole. What does this relationship look like, smell like, taste like, move like, sound like ??? !!!!!!!!
This is so exciting to me. I am a relational being. I learn so much from being in relationship with others, whether that is through a sexual connection or intimate friendship. I feel that the definitions of INTIMACY are changing, and as we open our hearts to the people around us, we are beginning to treat each other with more care, more touch, and more compassion than ever before. This can definitely be confusing as we are so used to the definitions and boundaries associated with each role that people play in our lives... We have been living with a set of rules that say `I interact with a friend in this way, and I interact with a lover in this other way`. These rules are changing, and the lines are blurring. For example, the other night I crawled into one of my best sister friends rooms and we cuddled for hours, laughing, crying, and researching things on the internet!!! Haha!!!! It was so fun and nourishing, and it met a deep need for intimacy in both of us.
Someone recently shared with me in a vulnerable whisper-like tone, `I feel a deep desire to be close to everyone around me`. This yearning for connection and closeness is an integral part of being a human. We are a tribal species, and we thrive in community. I feel that the need for connection is a basic human need.
My need for connection is no longer directed solely at the person I am choosing to share sexual space with at this time. I am realizing that this need can get met in unique ways by the hug of a housemate, the tenderness of a sisterly connection. By cultivating a healthy balanced way of getting my needs met, I no longer put all of this expectation and pressure on my sexual partner to be EVERYTHING to me. That is impossible, it is an illusion, and it a recipe for CO-DEPENDENCE. I do not feel that one person can possibly meet all of my needs all the time, but alas, that is what I have been taught by modern Western relationship culture, and I have suffered because I have chosen to believe it.
In a recent conversation about cultivating the art of relationship, I heard myself say `I dream of a relationship that supports and nourishes the community.` I feel a deep impulse in me for whatever kind of partnership I am choosing to create to serve the greater whole in some way.
In a body of work called Gene Keys, which are a set of archetypal teachings rooted in the 64 hexagrams of the I-Ching and the 64 codons of our DNA, it discusses dysfunctional relationships when describing the shadow aspect of the 44th Gene Key. It says, `The real reason for such relationships is that they are clearing houses for ancestral memory. Interference patterns that are transferred through your DNA must be resolved in order for a fractal to be cleaned... Couples or partners who are actively involved in clearing out this collective genetic dysfunction are the pioneers of a coming new age.` My heart beats more strongly as I see the potential for putting an end to unhealthy ways of relating that have been looping, looping, looping in our collective human psyche. No more obligation. No more decisions made out of fear. No more dysfunction, screaming, projecting, victimizing, demonizing, avoiding. I say yes to doing the dirty work and owning my shadows vulnerably. I feel that we have incredible opportunity to write a new story when it comes to how we are choosing to relate with our loved ones, our friends right now. Are we trying to change them? Are we grasping at them to give us love? Are we using relationship to avoid being with ourselves?
And it is OKAY if we are doing so or we catch ourselves doing so! Gently allowing ourselves to see what is happening without self-criticism or self-punishment. It is okay, and I choose a new path. I want to learn to relate to you from the very core of myself. I want to come to you with a glass full of my own self-love. What IS a functional relationship? This is what I am beginning to explore, and I am so grateful for all of the experiences I have had that have not been very healthy or loving. I would not be able to begin to ask this question if I did not have those necessary experiences.
So, I am redefining intimacy, and I am reimagining relationship. I am stepping out of infatuation, and I am choosing to see, honor, and cherish the flaws of others... And at the same time, I am recognizing this process in myself. I am beginning to deeply love and smile to my own wounds and dark places.
I see relationships that are empowered, magical, communicative, trusting, and supportive. I see relationships that nurture and feed those involved. I see relationships that are devoted to a practice of self-awareness and self-responsibility. Grounded in the tending to ones self, we reach out and begin to tend to what we are creating together.
~ Blessed Be ~
An Ocean of Love,
Grace
So insightful! Women particularly (but not exclusively) often seek their full life expression through their partner, but any action or mindset that distracts from the sovereign power of the self is folly. There won't be a Jerry Maguire 2 because the truth is that she didn't "complete" him. What he should have said is "You...gratify...me." (And now you know why Hollywood doesn't return my calls.)
ReplyDeleteI love that you're redefining intimacy in a more personal and empowering way. This is a great post, Grace! Thank you!