a trembling, an opening

It is mysterious. The waking up and the tending to the body parts. The mouths, the necks, the shoulder pain, oh? Was I too hard? Pain what is it that you sing to me now? 

I sit at my desk and slowly start to creak my body open. Open. Open.

These days I am opening. 

In all new ways. 

I am vomiting on the dance floor on Sunday, releasing something that has been buried inside and is heavy. Thank GOD Melissa creates such a powerful, shamanic space. I am so grateful for her, her magic. 

Sound. I have learned that the nervous system LOVES sound! Or at least my nervous system. It wants to vibrate, and when I sing I can feel the vibration thrumming through my whole body! And I explore my body. What is it like to sing from my toes? my pelvis? my heart? The sound changes, and it is so healing, the healing water of sound, flowing through my body, massaging my internal organs. Oh organs. I can feel you in ways I have never been able to feel you. And sometimes this is incredibly painful, and I cry out, why are you so tight? And sometimes you loosen (like after I (energetically) vomit), and the pain dissolves and you are spacious and ready. You are breathing with me as we feel the energy of the Earth come up through us. Rising through the sacred opening of the yoni and into our spines…

And it circulates, percolates. 

My insides are trembling. 

In an email to a tender sister I recently wrote:

`I can feel the women in my family and their hearts softly blossoming open more... I really noticed that this Christmas. What a mirror reflection! What an incredibly endearing sweet reflection. The Goddess is awakening!`

Oh! Seeing and feeling my own feminine power like never before! Feeling the soft magic that the women in my family carry in their wombs. It brings tears to my eyes. How to create a culture of sensitivity? a culture that values sensitivity? What is sensitivity? Thank you Bhanu and Ramon for teaching me how to ask questions, how to allow the questions to keep coming. And no stress about the answers, for they are, they are. 

Sometimes I feel so sensitive that I do not want to leave my room let alone my house. How to verbally communicate all that is so beautifully washing around inside of me? Washing like waves of deep feeling, caressing my bones, my blood melting into bliss and the oneness of not knowing. 

There is nothing wrong with me. 

I am so content to feel tears brim at the brink of my eyes as my heart expands and gently opens. No more forceful opening for anything here in this body. Only soft, gentle allowing and surrendering to an opening that is encoded in my destiny. An opening that will tear through me like a quiet fire, pulsing every cell into an empowered, gracious state. 

Thankful for the understanding touch of lovers as we treat our genitals with care. This is no longer a race to nowhere. It is a careful communion, which requires the communication of trauma. We live in a traumatized society. I am beginning to deeply believe that we all carry different levels and layers and relationships to this trauma culture. What a massive burden. What a precious gift. 

It is time now to breathe with the forces undulating in my body. To be moved by them. 

An ocean of Love, 

Grace