greeting the threshold of return

to recall, remember, re-read something in me that moves and never stops. 

something that is a silent sadness, but wise. 

a breaking, but it is soft. 

a binaural beat of soul. 

a quiet mountain night, remembering stars. 

i am so blessed to have this stillness in me, to have this quiet to return to. 

my limbs ache from travel. mysterious pains wander up and down my spine. i wonder when it will stop. i don’t know what i would do if it ever did. if my body was like the ocean, completely relaxed and fluid in its motion. sometimes i feel it in daydreams, which really might be memories. 

i am coming to know myself, as some kind of genderqueer mermaid. of some kind of ocean creature, of some kind of watery one with fire ahead of here. here to learn about fire, but fuck. it is hard. rage and love pendulate in me, and i do my best to create and breathe with it all. 

i guess i didn’t write that much when i was on the east coast but when i did, i look back now, and it is stunning. it breaks me with its vulnerability and “visual voice” (a term i learned from draga, a serbian artist staying at the prattsville arts center when i was there) 

i never know where the writing will take me, and yet, i am pushed almost from within to always surrender and write. surrender and write. (wait) 

wait for death, this is what some people seem to be doing with their lives. but what if i could use my life to prepare myself for this sacred meeting with the other side? how much trust can i conjure up so when i die, it is in peace and not in blinded suffering? i think that living here on this earth at this time, in this wild and chaotic human experience, is a lot more difficult than returning home to the Womb and being a spirit. unless of course, you are a spirit who is stuck and in a loop about something. then i guess you just end up eating the children. 

sometimes life can feel so direction-less. like i lost my compass. i guess that is the blessing and burden of being an undefined G (human design reference). i am still learning that below and beneath and within all of my constant looking for love and direction is an extremely wise and wily guide who will lead others through their darkest nights. that is something i sometimes touch, and it makes me tremble. 

blue sky and solo morning meets the one in me who can speak their needs and align their arrow. remember walking, remember waking with a clear head, remember gentle time. 

and so it goes…